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Dear Nigerian You Can Do Better



Happy Sunday (LOL) Today's sermon is brought to you by my humble self, Pastor Mrs. Evangelist Asake The Great. Directed at you heathens who have refused to go to church/Mosque on this holy Sabbath day of our Lord Jesus Christ. I read from the book of Nigerian You Can Do Better Manual. Today we are focusing on the ten commandments.

And yea shall follow these commandments that thine days might be long and your business might be prosperous.

1. Thou shalt not ask a single person "when are you getting married?" "When are we coming to eat jollof?" It is none of thine business. They shall be getting married on their wedding day.

2. Thine shalt not ask a married couple "when are the babies coming?" Or put any pressure on them whatsoever to bring forth offspring for thou is not privy to the business of their household and knowest not what struggle they undertake therein.

3. Thou shalt not use thine horn aggressively whilst driving. Blessed art thou amd thine household if you can go a month without using your horn once. Thou should constantly pray for the spirit of patience to fall on you and not try to cut off drivers who have indicated they want to enter your lane.

4. Covfefe is Thine portion if Thou refuse to support your friends/families businesses but constantly promote or the talk about other foreign businesses that pay you not a penny.

5. Blessed art Thou and thine if Thou seeest a brother or sister in trouble and rush to their aid. Thou shalt not crowd about the scene like a movie and bring out your phones to record. Thou shalt not take this opportunity to steal their property.

6. When thou travelest to the abroad for holiday Thou shalt not adopt a foreign accent upon thine return. Whist thou is in the abroad thou shalt not adopt a foreign accent. Thou shalt speak clearly in thine own Nigerian accent and be proud of thine country.

7. When thou is in the cinema, thou shalt keep thine mouth shut, thine phones silent and thine crying babies at home. Random popcorn and biscuit wrapper shall be thine portion from the back if Thou disobey this commandment.

8. Thou shall not get into random arguments on social media. Thou shall not sow discord in the comments section of people's post based on ethnicity, APC/PDP, feminism etc. Blocking and ridicule shall be thine portion.

9. When you are in a guest in someone's home do not make unnecessary demands on their time and resources. Do not appear unannounced. Do not overstay your welcome.

10. Thou shall always carry a fart jar with you and not assault the senses of those around you with the nuclear warfare of thine bowels. Thou shalt release thine fart in thine jar only open the jar upon the privacy of thine bedroom.

May the Lord bless you as you abide by these commandments. Blessed will you be amongst men and thou shalt inherit the earth. Sister Olufunmilola Bucknor shall lead us in the closing hymn with her sonorous voice while brother Bunmi Adedipe passes around the offering basket and Brother Dotun Fadairo shall lead us in the grace. Sister Olufunke Phillips and Brother Ifeanyi Abraham should see me after service with the brown paper package they were drinking from. I would like to see what is inside. Sister Onyebuchi Ajufo should gather the rest of the ushers and meet me and Assistant Pastor Anie M Anie for a quick meeting. Kindly donate to the church building fund. Account number, AsakeOge, Standard Chartered Bank 000666419. We also have POS for your use.

Long Live Buhari, God bless Nigeria. Till next week Sunday, be kind to one another.

aboutME

I wasn’t looking for a Knight.

I was looking for a sword.

I needed a hero.

So I became one

 

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